The Rules - Re-Written

At some point in your life as a cyclist you will undoubtedly have "The Rules" thrust in your face like a bag of sour grapes by self professed god of cycling that believes everything he read in a book. These guys are great fun to wind up, especially when you "break" the rules. So I wondered what it would be like to re-write 'The Rules' and make those poor gods cry in their sleep at night! I decided to take a look and some of the rules and add my own little twist...

1. Make the rules that make you happy.

2. Breach the rules! Help people break the mould and make the purist shiver.

3. Any reason for breaking the rules is a good enough reason to break more.

4. It's all about the ride - no really! Having a bike helps but so does having legs too!

5. Sit down, have a cuppa and soften up - you'll make more friends.

6. Free your mind and your legs will follow - We agree with this one! Get outside and have fun! Leave any stress on the doorstep.

7. The funkier the tan line the better! IF you don't look like a neapolitan ice-cream you've not bought enough kit or seen enough sun.

8. Pink tape, white saddle, black tyres - the more you mix the easier it will be to sent the righteous cyclist running in the opposite direction. Customise and surprise.

Pink Bike

9. If you're out in bad weather you're an ass. Period. Pull back your leg, check the bike is firmly propped against the wall and allow for a wry smile to spread across your face as you tuck into some cake.

10. It gets easier - just don't go faster. Why do you need to? Enjoy the view.

11. Family comes first. I guarantee the bike won't run away with the next door neighbour but your partner might.

pink bike girl

12. The correct number of bikes to own is PN+1 where your partner gets one bike for each new purchase you make . Guaranteed to keep them looking just as sexy as you.

13. If you draw the race number 13 you've already unlucky - shouldn't that be order number 13, coffee and cake?

14. Shorts should be black... or red, or purple? Maybe they should have some polka dots or stripes and a little tussle that bobbles up and down as you pedal.

15. Be a leader and wear matching kit - it's clearly cool or the pro's would all look like they had been to a charity shop.

16. If you want to be Wiggins then go for it. We all know you didn't win the jersey anyway so why does it matter? We still respect the true winners of the white and striped bands.

17. Team kit is for members of the team - as cyclists we're all on the same team so wear that kit loud and proud. Team cyclist.

18. Know what to wear. Anything really, as long as it means you're pushing the pedals.

19. Introduce yourself. Another rule we do agree with. Be polite and chat to the guys you ride with, say hello and if, heaven forbid you commute give them a salute.

20. There are only three remedies for pain. Gin, beer and wine. Each should be taken moderately whilst discussing what a fantastic ride you had.

21. Cold weather gear is for when you're cold. Dress like the Michelin man and whizz past the pack if it means you're toasty.

22. Cycle caps are for cycling, but why not wear them in the sunshine to remind everyone how proud you are to be a cyclist.

23.Tuck only after reaching escape velocity. Tuck into a chocolate bar that is whilst you recover from the mind numbingly awesome ride you're on.

24. Speeds and distances shall be referred to in miles and feet otherwise no-one else in England knows how far you've really ridden and that would be terrible.

25. The bike on top of the car should be worth less than the car otherwise you'll never reach the ride you're heading to.

26. Make your bike pornographic - handlebar tassels and a big horn should do the trick.

27. Socks and shorts should be like goldilocks - kept clear of the porridge and not too hot or too cold for you. Long socks in winter or short socks in summer.

28. Socks can be any damn colour you like. Another rule they got right - that's three so far!

29. Saddle bags have no place on a road bike, and are only acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases. Wrong. Every bike has an extreme case for a saddle bag - the bigger the bag, the more food you can fit in your pocket and well all know cyclists love more snacks!

Pink Food

30. No frame mounted pumps unless your pockets are too full - but of course they'll be full because you'll have so much cake to carry.

31. Spare tubes and multi tools should be stored in saddle bag - remember you need cake space.

32. Shave your guns - you're girlfriend will be skeptical to start with but will soon realise this means she can get a little bit stubbly too!

33. Visors are cool. Wear it like a boss and hunt down the rider up the road. Robo-cop would be jealous.

34. A bike ride may be preceded by a swim or followed by a run. These people might be mad but they'll look a hell of a lot better by doing it. Admire them.

35. Position matters - make sure you're always at the front of the queue at the cafe stop just incase they run out of your favourite cake.

36. Slam your stem - gently into place making sure it's comfortable for you. There is nothing worse than looking like a hunchback to be cool as a kitten on your bike.

37. Bidons should be big - in fact, the bigger the better. Nobody's going to give you a kiss if you resemble salt lake city at the end of your ride.

38. Keep your kit clean and new - there's nothing worse than a face full of bare bum on your ride. It might be fresh but it's certainly far too funky.

39. Mocha or full fat hot chocolate. It is only appropriate when cyclist to drink the heaviest possible coffee to keep you going on those long rides. Espresso is for small cyclists only.

40. Like your guns your saddle should be smooth... and soft to the touch. A little bit of padding never harmed anyone and it's good to take care of the delicate areas or you'll not get that different kind of ride.

41. Never get out of the big rings - it's really cool to snap your knees and walk with a stick.

42. No food on rides under four hours... with the exception of one soreen, two cakes and a coffee consumable every four minutes.

Pink Bike Cake

43. Lift that bike over your head - celebrate your success and have some fun.

So get out there on your bikes with soft saddles and fluffy handlebars and show the world that it's cool to ride regardless of how sharp your tan line is or how tight you top is when you've only eaten once in four hours. Go break the rules.