2017 is the year of "post truth" so I wanted to get one thing very clear from the start. There is absolutely none of this in cycling. Therefore I thought I'd have a look at some of the important truths within cycling. Whatever you get told, always remember these truths in order to be the best cyclist you can possibly be...
It's a well known fact that cyclists have the ability to become invisible at will. All you have to do is ride down the road and think about not being seen and you will disappear. Honestly, no matter how bright you think your kit is, I promise you can disappear. The possession of such magic powers often creates a great amount of jealously and is reason why a car driver will cut you up and get too close; all they want to do is get a closer look at just what makes you so magical. Unfortunately, the magic cloak comes as standard on all new cyclists and cannot be traded in for anything more visible.
Eating is cheating
If you eat absolutely anything within a century of riding your century you will self destruct into the michelin man with devastating consequences on your power output. Eating food has been scientifically proven to make riding your bike as painful as spending a day in the company of Donald Trump. You categorically must perform at least all of your rides fasted or you're not hard enough to be cool. Eating food definitely doesn't provide the energy you need for long rides.
Mudguards make you single for life
Putting mudguards on your bike instantly makes you an unfashionable, unattractive individual with a head shaped like a cows backside. Seriously, if you put them on your bike everyone will avoid you for eternity. Infact, putting mudguards on your bike will create a lonely existence and will by no means keep your peachy backside clean and dry. Put it simply, don't buy mudguards unless you want to be single.
Don't you dare take a turn
The most important rule in any group ride is to absolutely, 100% avoid any work whatsoever. Doing work on the front actually reverses any marginal gains and makes you a weaker ride. Under no circumstances risk becoming weaker. The riders on the front with their nose in the wind are doing so due to oxygen deficit and are looking for the wind to push the much needed air into their mouths to avoid certain death. Coming past them will make them exceptionally angry. Do so at your own peril.
Rust is a must
The less lube you use the better the better you'll move. If you're unsure on the application of such products just go without. The serene sounds of the squeaking, creaking chain will charm anyone out riding with you and they'll admire your impeccable mechanical skills with awe. Equally, cleaning your bike at any point during ownership will massively impact the resale value. Cleaning your bike will result in a viral outbreak of brown spots and the glare of a clean frame could cause serious eye damage. Proceed with care when applying any liquids to your bike.
Whatever you do you must treat everything as the truth, otherwise your bike might build a wall in protest....